Long Distance Relationship: How The distance Saved mine

A Long Distance Relationship is hard to Navigate. I mean…Have you ever found who you thought may be THE person for you, only to find out you actually live in different cities, states, or even countries. 

Or.. 

Imagine having been in a committed relationship for over 2 years, you live together, you have pets together and you share your daily lives with one another. 

And then… 

It all flips upside down and one of you ends up having to make a move. 

Well, that’s what happened to me. 

My boyfriend and I had been together 2 years when I started to suffer from some serious health issues. It became quite clear that our life together wasn’t going to be sustainable with the added stress of him having to be fully responsible for my health and taking care of me. That’s when we made the difficult decision for me to move back to my home province and live with my parents where they could give me the time and care I needed. 

That was nearly a year ago…

At first had you asked my my thoughts on doing long distance they would have been the usual negative mutterings “long distance never works” , “someone always cheats” , “it makes you grow apart” 

Now however, if you asked me my thoughts on long distance I would tell you it was the best decision I ever made for my relationship.

Here is how long distance saved my relationship and why everyone should give it their best shot!

Quickly, here is our backstory…

My boyfriend and I fell in love quickly. 

In fact we did everything quickly. I think we told each other we loved them within the first month of dating and we moved in together not even 6 months later. 

Our honeymoon phase faded fast. Having the ups and downs of real life thrown at us sooner into a relationship than most experience. We tried our best to embrace it and not let it affect the health of our relationship. But unfortunately we were failing at that. 

It was argument after argument after argument. We were not getting along. I felt like screaming because I just knew he was my person but I had no desire to live the rest of my life in the toxic cycle we were creating. 

So when my health took a down turn and I moved back home, I thought to myself  “Well, this is it. This is the end of my life with this person” 

But it wasn’t. In fact it was the beginning of the best chapter yet. 

Now, I am not saying long distance is for everyone as every relationship is different. However, the point of this piece is to help you gain confidence that distance can be a positive thing in a serious relationship.

The most important thing we did was not talk or text all day everyday. 

You might be thinking this is insane. But he was busy with work, I was sick being shuttled from specialist to specialist and most days neither of us had the time to catch up besides a quick text in the evening (if that). This ended up being the best unintentional decision we made. 

By not talking everyday and not being in constant communication we actually looked forward to our phone calls and had hours of things to speak about. Not being in constant communication improved our communication, ironically. 

Long distance over all improved the level of communication we had in our relationship. 

Because of the distance you are forced to actually speak up about things and tell your partner if you are feeling a certain way because there is no ability for them to read your body language. 

Similarly, there was no feelings of resentment towards the other person for not being a mind reader (we have all been there) and being able to pick up on the smallest mood changes. 

I no longer have something upsetting me and then get even more upset because he isn’t noticing I am clearly upset about something. Does that sentence even sound healthy? No it doesn’t, but I am sure it is relatable to some of you. 

I am now able to speak up when something is bothering me because long distance taught me how to communicate when I am feeling a certain way or else he would never have any idea I was upset (with him or something else). 

A lot of the time when you search for advice for long distance you end up with the classic “40 virtual dates for you and your long distance partner” type of posts. You have likely realized by now this isn’t that. I personally cannot enjoy a long distance date. It feels weird and awkward. I appreciate it may work for some but cooking the same meal on FaceTime or watching a movie at the same time seems ridiculous to me.

Instead …. We make lists of the things we are going to do in our respective cities when we are next together. These include, cooking the recipe we’ve been wanting to try, having at home movie night and watching all the movies we have thought about watching when we were apart and much more. 

I find that creating the list of things you want to do together helps you both stick to travel plans to see one another. 

That brings me to my next point. 

Actually go and see each other but not as often as you think you have to… 

When we first made the switch to long distance I was adamant on one of us traveling at least once a month in order to see one another. 

If you have ever done a long distance relationship, you know this is nearly impossible. Instead we set intentional dates we wanted to be together without a doubt. These were events like Christmas, birthdays, and our anniversary. Other than those dates we never set a schedule of when to see one another. We let it organically happen. If I found myself really missing him one day I would look at the next set of affordable flights and book them. And vice versa. 

We allowed our “schedule” of seeing one another to flow naturally without serious commitments to dates in advance.

This made seeing one another so much better because it was truly happening exactly when we wanted it and when we needed it most.

Had we not done this and stuck to every third weekend of the month or something rigid like that I strongly believe resentment would have grown between us. No longer counting down the days to see each other with excitement but instead, looking at the travel as more of a chore. 

Don’t be scared of a little distance.

Distance is not always a bad thing.

When you are in a committed relationship it can be easy to feel like you are losing yourself. 

You start to struggle to determine where you end and this other person begins.

And do not get me wrong, this is one of THE best feelings but it can also be one of the worst. If you are like me it can send you into a panic about not knowing who you are or feeling like you have lost your independence. I started to worry that I was just following another person and I had lost control over my own identity and destiny. 

This is so incredibly normal and something everyone experiences throughout their life at one point or another. I understand that may not be comforting to hear but it is true. But it can also be so beneficial to allow yourself to rediscover who you are. 

That is where the benefit of long distance comes in. 

Long distance can be an incredible ‘tool’ to help you rediscover your own identity within your relationship. Instead of it being a devastating separation from your partner you can look at it as time to find yourself so you can be the best version of yourself in your relationship. 

In my case, I did just that. I used the separation to reflect and rediscover myself. I found new hobbies and interests to occupy my time that used to be spent with him. And so did he. 

The distance taught me more about myself but also gave me such a greater appreciation for the way in which we meld together. 

Because it is an amazing thing! 

I no longer felt like I was losing myself but instead that I knew exactly who I was in and out of my relationship. I realized that he makes me the best possible version of myself. 

Overall, 

Distance does not have to be scary, it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed, and it doesn’t mean there is love lacking. The ability to even give it a try proves that you care enough to make a crappy situation work.

That is how long distance likely saved my relationship. 

If I hadn’t had to move home and commit to long distance with the love of my life we likely wouldn’t be where we are today — In a healthy and thriving relationship that I’m proud to be in every single day. 

Without long distance you would probably find us still fighting everyday, not actively loving one another and just being overall frustrated with this other persons presence in our life. Or — god forbid — no longer together. 

So give long distance a shot. 

Communicate openly, enjoy the time you do spend with one another, and learn to thrive on your own outside of the relationship. 

And most importantly, don’t give up on something because you think it is going to be hard before you even try. 

All my love, 

Farrah